My friend and fellow teacher Jessie Gerson once said that teaching was like an abusive relationship: you feel like everything is going well, you’re totally infatuated with it, and then it knocks you down.  Inevitably, you will go back to it, and hope will be restored - only to be knocked down again.

Today I felt knocked down. 

It was one of those days where you doubt yourself so much as a teacher, it crosses your mind that you’re not cut out for the profession.  The morning went pretty well: I (re)taught subject and predicate, and introduced the concepts of transitive and intransitive verbs, using the 5 representations.  In the first two periods, most students were able to define and identify the terms, diagram simple sentences, logically and coherently explain what a subject and a predicate were.  A few students were able to explain the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs.  I felt like that was pretty good for my first go at this kind of grammar instruction.

Then came literacy, which began with a certain student asking me, “When’s the baby due?” with a slow and unkind smile.  Ah, children.  They know just what to say to throw you off.

I’m having trouble with my literacy class in general anyway, because although I thought I could challenge them, keeping them engaged and pushing them to their highest potential is proving to be much more difficult than I anticipated.  I have the advanced readers this year, all of whom read on a ninth grade level or above, and many of whom read on the eleventh or twelfth grade level.  Last year I taught kids just below grade level, and I find this year that all my usual tricks for keeping kids engaged are falling short, or can only work for so long with these more proficient readers.  So there’s that.

Literacy class was a little rocky, and then after lunch and planning, my 5th period students bounded in noisy and giddy and with their hands all over each other.  5th is normally my favorite period of the day, because it is the class I have been most successful in establishing a positive classroom culture.  You would not have known it to observe us today.

First, I should mention, it was unbearable HOT in my room.  Stifling.  And the kids whine when it’s hot.  Their whining drives my patience level down, lower, lower, their yapping, tapping, bouncing, sleeping, poking, giggling, and general not paying attention definitely does not improve my mood or strengthen my professional character.  I snapped.  I yelled at them - some poor children (who did not deserve my wrath) in particular were the victims of my lost temper. 

We accomplished nothing that period: I turned off the lights and read to them from some of the children’s books I have in my room.  This at least quieted and calmed them, and (hopefully!) restored some of our damaged classroom culture.  And when I spoke to their 6th period teacher at the faculty meeting, she said they had been much better than they usually were that afternoon.

I taught the grammar lesson with moderate success in 6th period, but by then my heart was not in it.  I regretted how unprofessional and mean I had been in 5th period, and I began to doubt the importance of learning transitive and intransitive verbs.  I may have a better vehicle by which to deliver grammar instruction now defined (the 5 representations), but because there is no provided grammar curriculum, I think I need to go back and more clearly define my goals and objectives so that I know exactly what we’re working towards in terms of grammar.  I have this vague notion of wanting them to be conscious of language usage and structure for making meaning, but I need to go back and more clearly define what that will look like and how I will measure it.  Otherwise I’m just going to drive myself crazy with self-loathing, deprecation, and doubt.